The best New Year's resolution I ever made
"Assume my friends like me" turned out to be a life-changing directive.
I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions. But last year, I managed to keep one that was kind of life-changing. “Assume my friends like me,” I scrawled on a piece of paper at the beginning of 2023.
This was a reference to a problem I didn’t realize I had until I started seeing my current therapist and noticed, from week to week, that I spent a lot of time and energy worrying that I was being a nuisance or a burden.
When I asked a friend to hang out, I feared that I was imposing on their busy schedule, or inconsiderately forcing them to choose between me and the Real Housewives marathon they really needed to recuperate from a busy week. If I told a friend I was feeling low, I worried they’d think I was needy for … expressing a negative emotion, I guess? And if a friend didn’t text me back, rather than going with the most likely explanation (they were distracted when they received the message and then forgot to respond), I’d internalize that as a reflection of their feelings about me — even though I myself have been known to be forgetful about, or slow to respond to, texts from people I like very much.
I’m not sure exactly why I have these anxieties. My friends are loving, loyal people, and my relationships are actually quite stable. And if I bother to challenge my own first-instinct thoughts and look at things from a logical perspective, as my therapist has encouraged me to, there’s no real reason my friends would secretly resent me or want to get away from me. I’m supportive and reliable and a good listener, plus I have a very cute dog who’s usually with me, too.
Maybe a part of me thought that if I ever stopped worrying and just relaxed that I’d be more likely to be blindsided by a friend breakup or slip into bad friend behavior—that my anxieties pushed me into a state of vigilance that made the loss of those friendships less likely to happen. But in practice, I just spent a lot of time feeling anxious. Then everything would turn out to be fine, I’d learn nothing, and I’d go back to being anxious about something else.
Giving myself the directive to assume my friends like me turned out to be quite helpful. Now, if a friend hasn’t been able to make plans with me for a while, rather than telling myself I’m being rejected, I’ll think about other possible explanations: Work is extra-demanding at the moment, or they’re traveling a bunch, or they’ve got family responsibilities they have to prioritize right now, or their own mental health isn’t the best at the moment and they need to focus on that.
The key is going off the assumption that it’s not about me, and that the current state of things is temporary — particularly when these are friendships I’ve had for years and there’s no reason to think some permanent shift is underway. “Assume my friends like me” is also related to the Golden Retriever rule I’ve long operated off of when making new friends, but with a twist. With the Golden Retriever approach, I focus on being affable and approachable and don’t spend too much time mulling whether a new person likes me or not. “Assume my friends like me,” on the other hand, encourages me to accept that in all likelihood, and in the absence of clear indications to the contrary, an established good relationship is probably still good.
The result is that, in the past year, I’ve spent less time worrying, and because I’ve learned how to avoid spiraling (at least most of the time) I also feel less needy and insecure – the very qualities I thought might drive friends away.
The other big thing that’s happened is that once I embraced “assume my friends like me,” I started being able to better appreciate that I’m surrounded by people who really do care about me. Don’t get me wrong – I always knew my friends were generous and kind. But now that I’m not so prone to worrying that I might lose all this love, I can just revel in it.
In December, for example, my friend threw me a baby shower, and I was so touched by her and the friends who helped and all the friends who came – not just because they were at the party itself, but because I felt so supported by my community as I prepare for a big life change. (Oh yeah, by the way, I’m having a baby in February! More on that later.)
Then there’s another good friend who’s planning to fly in from California around the baby’s due date, so she can hopefully be here when he’s born. My cousin wants to come visit the month after that. I have friends sharing hand-me-down clothes and baby carriers and cribs; friends offering to help me settle into my new apartment; friends checking in with texts and phone calls and cards. It’s incredible, all this warmth; I know how lucky I am. And going into 2024, I want to make it my goal to be the same kind of friend to the people I care about — someone who, internal neuroses aside, you need never doubt loves you right back.