"The Alphabet of Animal Professions" is extremely bleak

Good luck making rent, Beluga Barista.

There’s a poster in our pediatrician’s office called “The Alphabet of Animal Professions.” The more I look at it — and I look at it a lot, because she takes time to answer parents’ questions so she’s often running late — the more I’m convinced that going into almost any profession these days is a terrible idea.

Some of the animal professions are so low-paying that they’ll never be able to support themselves, especially with grocery prices on the rise. Good luck making rent, Beluga Barista! Yak Yoga Instructor, unfortunately the proliferation of teacher-training courses has led to an oversupply of Yaks Like You!

Some work in unstable industries. The Shark Scientist must be extremely stressed about her research funding right now. Jellyfish Journalist, my colleague, my brother in brimstone, the sting of your third layoff in two years awaits.

Some options are only possible if the animals are working a second job (but what?) or come from family money, until and unless they hit the big time, i.e. Cow Comedian, Hippo Hip Hop Artist, Penguin Photographer, Rabbit Rock Star. The Octopus Orchestra Conductor and Frog Film Director beat the odds — respect — but what are the chances other cephalopods and amphibians will be able to do the same?

The Ant Architect is deeply in debt from grad school and doesn’t make as much money as you’d think. Duck Doctor and Narwhal Nurse are in an admirable and effectively recession-proof field, but odds are they’re also burned out and depressed about the state of healthcare in the U.S. Tiger Teacher and Lion Librarian are in the same meaningful but stressed-out boat, with worse pay and the constant threat of budget cuts.

Quetzal Queen and Elephant Equestrian, I don’t even know what to say to you.

Iguana Investment Banker, do you ever wonder what all the money is for?

Maybe the Wolf Web Designer is doing all right financially and emotionally and spiritually — I don’t know a lot of web designers or what’s going on with them. Although if she’s in tech, layoffs are probably coming for her too. Automation is about to put half the animals on this list out of a job, if the AI apocalypse crowd is to be believed.

The Zebra Zoologist is holding *this very poster* in his twin hooves. So he definitely can’t be trusted.

I’d be tempted to think the state of animal careers reflects the unique challenges the U.S. economy is currently navigating, but my friend and former colleague Rosie Spinks wrote a brilliant post about how everyone she knows is worried about work, and she’s in the U.K.

Maybe there’s no such thing as a career path that’s simultaneously stable and fulfilling and well-paying anymore. Or maybe there are some, and they’re just not represented on this poster — with the notable exception of X-Ray Tetra X-Ray Operator.

I can honestly say I’m happy for that fish. He was born for this.