For the third installment of this series, I asked a few friends to share some of the things they learned along the way to turning 40. Thank you all, and particularly Susan and Alyss, who were especially generous with a number of funny and wise recommendations.
You can browse (and buy!) Alyssa’s original watercolor artwork here
And follow Susan’s Substack, EELS, featuring book recommendations, here
And peruse Annalisa’s newsletter Alix, which is all about love, here
And follow Adam here
And follow Marc here
And read the previous newsletters in this series here.
21.) When you’re having a bad day, make something. Whenever I'm having one of those days where I'm getting nothing accomplished or wasting many hours doing something unfun and soul-sucking, it makes me feel less depressed if I then do something like work on a knitting project, write a letter, or draw a little something.
Example: one Saturday morning I discovered my car's tire (and the spare) had been stolen and I spent most of the day trying to get the car towed and then getting a replacement tire from a weird junkyard and then paying half a month's salary for a new set of tires. I was feeling pretty deflated by the time I got home. So I baked some cookies (they were espresso chocolate shortbread) and it made me feel a bit better. — Alyssa Machle John
22.) If you want to do it, and think you can’t, try. Trying counts. Failure is just a fact of life, and not even one of the terrible. Regret, for instance, is worse. No one will judge you for whatever you fail to achieve except yourself, and sad people whom you should feel sorry for. — Annalisa Merelli
23.) “Don’t be lazy.” My husband is into a lot of things involving nails and hammers and whatnot, and he is constantly muttering to himself, ‘Don’t be lazy.’ It doesn’t mean ‘get thou off the couch and do more WORK,’ it means ‘do something properly the first time—such as put the drill down in the right place instead of balancing it on the top of a narrow pole—so as to avoid disaster later.’
My son and I have turned this into ‘DBL,’ and now we apply it to everything: Do your homework now because you won’t have time later and it will stress you out. Put your keys back in the right place now so you won’t be late later because you’re running around looking for them. Future You is a real person who will appreciate the help, and when I was younger, I’m not sure I believed Future Me truly, really existed.” — Susan Howson
24.) Think twice about milkshakes. They’re the most delicious things on earth. But in my 30s they became a secret time bomb. — Adam Freelander
25.) Take the compliment and say thank you. I and many others, judging by the interactions I've seen, are often uncomfortable with compliments. Now, when someone pays me a compliment I just say thank you. No diminishing anything. No explaining that it wasn't that big a deal or I didn't pay that much (if it relates to something like clothing) or whatever it is. Just thank you.
Sometimes I'll add 'that's really nice of you to say' if it applies. But what I've stopped doing is batting nice things away. — Marc Bain
26.) Messiness is not a character flaw. I'm still working on making myself believe this ... I feel a lot of shame about the fact that I am not a very good housekeeper. I realize that this is a very gendered thing that I've internalized because society expects women to be tidy and good at domestic things, etc.
But the fact is, I've never been a tidy person (my mom finally gave up on me cleaning my room when I was a kid and just insisted that I maintain a "fire path" from the door to the bed). I just don't see the mess, until I think that someone else is going to see it ... such that whenever I find out that someone is coming over to my house, my stomach drops and I break out in a cold sweat and then spend the next 48 hours or whatever it is until the person comes over frantically trying to do damage control. Anyway. I try to remind myself that it doesn't make me a bad person, and it really doesn't matter, and people probably care less than I think they do, etc. etc. — Alyssa Machle John
27.) If you find yourself constructing a sentence in your head to say out loud or to someone else that has the actual goal of making yourself seem impressive, just don’t say the thing at all. — Susan Howson
28.) When you think you’re too tired to hang out with a friend, make yourself do it anyway. This describes me most of the time. But I always feel better and my heart always feels more full after I spend time talking to a friend. It gets me out of my head, and I usually get past the tiredness once I get into the conversation. Turns out human connection is good for your mental health. Huh! — Alyssa Machle John
29.) Sometimes it’s helpful to write an email when you’re upset … and not send it. It can be very cathartic to write an email in which you articulate your feelings and get everything off your chest, especially if you are a person that tends to silently stew about things. But I also try to weigh the effect that hitting "send" on such an email would have. Would it actually accomplish anything? Would it have the intended effect of making the recipient change their ways?
I'm not saying you should hold things in and never express your feelings! But sometimes that first draft can be pretty raw and might not land the way you want it to. If it's something you need to say and you think it will clear the air or otherwise make a difference, it often helps to let that email sit in your "drafts" folder for a few days until you calm down enough to write a second, more diplomatic draft. — Alyssa Machle John
30.) Always give a compliment, unless it’s creepy. — Susan Howson
31.) Don’t drive a 1993 Honda in San Francisco. It will get stolen. Often. Sometimes twice in one week. — Alyssa Machle John
32.) Send snail mail. I find it so satisfying to write and send a hand-written thank-you note, or put together a care package ... I even love the experience of sealing and stamping an envelope and walking it over to the mailbox. And I feel the same way about receiving snail mail! I love seeing people's handwriting and touching a real object. I find it very moving. It really does make you feel closer to a person when they are far away. — Alyssa Machle John
33.) Everybody is 1000% more concerned with what they look like than what you look like. — Susan Howson
34.) “What’s the latest?” is a good thing to ask in addition to “How are you?” My husband, who is a great conversationalist, taught me this one. The question is open-ended so it inspires the person to tell you things and even gives them a specific prompt to think about any recent developments or news they might have to report ... any of which could then could lead into further conversation. — Alyssa Machle John